


Demiboy

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Canon Non-Binary Character, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid Character, Other, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Relationships, Queerplatonic Relationships, Trans Character, demiboy!Dan, demigender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-08-08 21:50:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7774999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan is dealing with exploring gender identity and Phil is there to help/be supportive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Demiboy

It was happening again. That terrible feeling that he just couldn’t place that was somewhere between bearable and excruciating. Dan had been dealing with it for years, for as long as he can clearly remember actually, and every time he’s close to forgetting about it, it comes creeping back up again like a nightmare that just won’t go away.

Phil doesn’t seem to notice except for on the worst days, like today. Dan’s been reclusive all day, which isn’t too out of the ordinary except that he’s doing his best to avoid Phil as well as the rest of the world. He hasn’t been on tumblr or twitter all day, and every time Phil comes into his room to check on him he slams his laptop shut like he’s got all of the world’s secrets on the screen. And in addition to everything, he’s wearing _those_ sweatpants. The pair of sweatpants that he only ever wears when he’s having one of those days. The sweatpants that are so big he’s practically drowning in them and they take away all of the shape of his body.

Phil wants to ask, and Dan wants Phil to ask, but the days never last long enough for either of them to think that it’s very serious. It doesn’t last long enough for them to feel like it _needs_ to be talked about. At least, it normally doesn’t feel that serious. Today is different though. It hurts seeing Dan look so miserable and not knowing why, and Phil can’t just ignore it anymore. Dan likes to be left alone when he’s dealing with something, but Phil at least has to _try_ and ask what’s wrong.

Getting up from his own room, Phil silently crossed the small section of hallway to his friend’s room. The door was closed, which wasn’t a common occurrence in their flat, so the older man knocked lightly. There was a sort of grunt from the other side, which Phil took as an invitation to enter, so he gently opened the door and stepped into his friend’s room. It was pretty dark, the lights were off and the evening light streaming in through the window was pretty dim, and Dan was wrapped up like a burrito on his bed.

Considering how large he was, Dan looked so small when he was like this; like a child being forced to hold up the weight of the world. Phil sat down beside him on the bed, and moved a bit to be closer to him. Dan doesn’t really like being touched when he’s upset, but sometimes he gets in a cuddly mood when he’s upset. When he dropped out of university he was practically glued to Phil for a week, which the older one definitely didn’t mind.

“How are you feeling, Bear?” Phil asked. Of course, he knew the answer but he wasn’t sure how else to breach the topic of conversation.

“Like shit,” Dan replied, turning his head up a little more to look at his friend while he speaks to him.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Phil asks gently.

Dan sighs and shifts some. “I don’t know how to explain it,” he mumbles.

“Do you want to try? You might feel better if you just ramble about it, even if you don’t really explain it well.”

Dan considered it for a moment. He wasn’t sure where to start or what to say, but it wouldn’t hurt to try. Phil listens to his ramblings about the universe and death all the time, so at least he could get some of these thoughts out of his head.

“Okay so, you know how… I mean like…I don’t even know how to start. You Know how I get like this sometimes?” He said, gesturing vaguely to himself.

“I’ve noticed.”

“And you know how it’s only for a little bit but then everything is fine again for a while?”

“Yeah.”

“Well sometimes I feel… or more like I _don’t_ feel… like I’m completely a guy.”

He got quieter as he spoke. Saying what he’s been thinking all this time made the feelings more real, and that was scary; scarier than he thought it would be. He’s not even scared about what Phil’s going to think about this, Phil’s so accepting he could tell him he thinks he’s a potato and he’d support him, but the reality of what he was saying setting in and the thought that his identity might not be what he always thought it was is scarier than he imagined.

“Like I don’t feel like a girl at all, although if someone called me a girl I wouldn’t mind and it might actually be nice. I just, sometimes I’m a guy and sometimes I’m nothing.”

He paused for a moment trying to think of what to say next. There were so many thoughts circulating through his head that he didn’t know what order to say them in.

“Usually I’m male or whatever, or I guess more male than agender since really I just kind of move in this gray area between the two, but when I’m feeling more like nothing my entire _body_ feels wrong.”

“What do you mean by wrong, Bear?” Phil asked, rubbing his friend’s shoulder.

Dan liked that about Phil. He always wants to help people feel better and wants to understand them. Dan’s glad to have Phil as a friend.

“It just, _looks_ wrong. Like, my hips are so narrow and masculine looking and if I’m looking for it I can see where my crotch bulges out a bit. I know that I’m not that masculine looking to begin with and it shouldn’t matter anyways because like there’s no wrong way to have a body and all that shit, but it still feels wrong. I can’t look at myself without thinking how wrong I look, and I hate it. I just want to rip myself apart until it stops feeling wrong.”

“You’re right that there’s no wrong way to have a body,” Phil said, “but that doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to be unhappy with yours if you don’t like it and it hurts you. There are girls that like to have beards and penises and that’s fine, but there are also girls who don’t want that and get breast implants and stuff and that’s fine too. There’s nothing wrong with feeling oppressed by your body, and I’m sorry that you feel that way Dan.”

“Thanks Phil,” Dan said, nuzzling Phil’s side with the top of his head.

“Do you want me to use different pronouns with you?”

“No,” Dan said automatically, then thought about if for a second, “Maybe? I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it. Usually whenever I consider that this might actually be a real thing and I might want to consider new pronouns and stuff, I start feeling like a guy again and just assume that I was overreacting to everything and I’m really just cis and trying to be a special snowflake or something.”

“I assure you, you’re not being a special snowflake. What you’re feeling is real and totally valid.”

Dan smiled, “Thanks for that Captain Tumblr.”

Phil nudged him playfully in response.

“Do you want to try out different pronouns? See how you like them and if you want to change them sometimes or just stick to he/him if you don’t like it?”

Dan debated for a moment. “I don’t know. I move around on the gender spectrum a lot so my pronouns would be changing all the time. It’ll be weird if you’re constantly asking which pronouns you need to use for me.”

“I don’t mind asking your pronouns if it makes you more comfortable in the end, but I saw something on Instagram once that might help. There was this person who wore different colored bracelets depending on what pronouns they wanted their friends to use. It was like green for him, orange for they, and yellow for her or something like that. I could buy you some bracelets from amazon and have them by tomorrow. Or we might have some craft stuff and I can make you some. It’s totally up to you though. You don’t have to try it if you don’t want to.”

“You’re literally the best friend I could ask for,” Dan said, finally sitting up in bed, “I think I might like that. I actually have some old bracelets right here.”

Dan reaches over to the drawer beside the bed and rummages around for a minute before pulling out two old bracelets.

“Black leather band for he and cat saints for they sound good?”

“Sounds perfect.”

Dan slipped the cat saints bracelet onto their wrist and smiled happily. They already felt better just wearing it; they can't imagine what hearing different pronouns will feel like.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been dealing with gender issues a lot lately and eventually decided that I like the label of demigirl best. I know people experience gender identity and gender dysphoria differently, but I made Dan's experiences closest to how i experience my gender. Basically this is just me venting via fanfiction. That being said, I may or may not add more to this later if i feel like i need to vent a little bit more. We'll see, but don't look forward to it too much. Thank you so much for reading this and have a nice day!


End file.
